The Rose & Arranging

I started off my week by visiting Lillian yesterday at the cemetery. I usually do after I drop my daughter off at school - Mondays and Wednesdays. (Or when I am able to). I sat down, closed my eyes and began speaking to her quietly. I have been up and down this month emotionally.

Lily turned six months old on September 29th and it has been hard to grasp that I could have her here physically. She should be here, physically. What would you be like today? What would your hair color be? Would you be a redhead like your sister and me? Now we would begin introducing table foods into her diet. I wonder what she would like the most? All these questions and visions have been firing off in my brain twenty-four seven.

As I sit down with her, I listen and look. It is the most beautiful and peaceful environment. I hear the birds above me and the trees brushing against each other. I see dragonflies scurry and fly away quick along with the butterflies. I always want Lily to reassure me that I am on the right track in my life. I have been asking her for signs and she hasn't been shy about showing me. I started with "if I am doing the right thing, right now, and making you proud, please show me roses. Pictures of roses, anything that has to do with roses, Lily. Please continue to lead me the right way and help me overcome fear. Help me continue on peacefully and with no doubt that you are always by my side protecting me. "

I no longer had a quote come across my phone when I got home that morning that had a red rose in the background of this mantra that said:

"I am safe.

My body is healthy.

My mind is at ease.

I trust the unfolding of life.

I am always held and supported.

I am at peace in this moment.

I surrender to life's unfolding.

I breathe through any fear.

I center and ground myself.

I come back to my heart.

I believe in and choose love."

It is amazing what your loved ones can show you from the other side. Somedays I can't help but doubt if she is really there with me. As these six months have gone by, she has been with me ever since she left. Lillian has never gone away from me.

In the past month, I have been creating like crazy. I absolutely love doing arrangements. I have even started to do silk flowers. Not only do I love flowers but I have noticed the days that are the hardest is when I create the most extravagant or more bold arrangements. It is definitely my child working through me and letting that inner creativity work it's way out. Working with flowers and seeing what I create actually has boosted my self confidence! I can say that I am proud of my work and that is something that I did not say a lot in my past career. I love brining people joy - I always have. But I feel like this is the best way for me to express it when I don't have the words to say it.

We are continuing to go through the motions with harvesting soybeans and corn. With Jeff being out in the field all day, everyday for days on end (unless if it rains), I usually get lonely. I miss him a lot but now that I have something to occupy my mind with, this years harvest has been a little less "lonely feeling."

If you have gotten this far, thank you for reading. If you are one of those people that still check in with us and our family, we love you and thank you. We are extremely grateful for the love and support we continue to get. It is the only way we have been getting through these months!