How Gardening Helps Me Stay Connected To My Baby

Shortly after Lillian was born, I knew my career as an esthetician was over. Did I know during my pregnancy that I was going to completely hang it up? No, not at all, actually. I knew I was going to take a long break to focus on my family and the girls until they were in school. Family always comes first in my life. After she passed on, I knew my life was going to head in a completely different direction. I knew that this was my calling to be connected to her.

I have always had a love for the outdoors and nature, especially flowers. Anytime I see a local florist or gardener share photos of their work, I get inspired. It also makes my sadness leave for a short while. Arranging and being among the flowers helps with my sadness. I, myself, feel like a flower at times (I know it may sound silly, but it's the truth). When I am wilted and weepy, all I have to do is go out and harvest flowers and start creating. It's almost like the flowers give me a "drink" of water to help with my "wilting" soul. I immediately feel directed by her when I am creating ideas or planting flowers, seeds, etc. It is a true connection, and I am so grateful that she shows herself often. It doesn't take the pain away from wanting her here physically, but it still nourishes me in the times that I need it the most.

If you are here as a bereaved parent, I am sorry. No one should have to go through this type of pain. I encourage you to find joy even in the smallest of things. Maybe it is waking up before everyone in your home and going outside in peace with a cup of coffee. Or maybe it is taking the time to rest in silence if you can. I find my peace in my surroundings. Each time I am searching for new flower seeds to plant or scanning the sky for something, she always appears to me in some form. I am always looking for butterflies that flutter back and forth from flower to flower or the cardinal that appears out of nowhere.

I still find joy in this type of work like I did when I was an esthetician. But I think Lillian knew I needed some therapy and self-healing within myself. I am a mother and a wife, so I am used to taking care of everyone. I like to take care of people—I always have. But after this event that has occurred in my life, I think Lillian is taking the time to heal me in ways that I have needed for a long time. That is the funny thing that I have learned—in a time that has been so painful and raw, it has also exposed the softer sides of me. I am wanting to bring this love that is in my heart to people with something beautiful that reminds me of Lillian. I knew from the moment I stepped outside of the hospital that afternoon to go home that it was time for something new. The crabapple tree's blooms looked more vibrant and beautiful than I have ever seen before in my life. Everything that spring is, was becoming my life—rebirth and new beginnings. Lillian was telling me that it was time to explore and take better care of myself and enjoy the small things that are right in front of my eyes.

After March 29th, I was no longer worrying about "the small things".