Lily's First Season

I remember last year at this time I was collecting and buying all of the flower seeds I could get my hands on! I was planning, mapping, and creating my plot with excitement. Soon, February rolled around, and I was experimenting with overwintering seeds and starting my seeds in my "seed-lab," as I called it. I was so eager and ready to take on the challenge!

And a challenge it was. It was good for me to "baby" these seeds every day. I did bite off more than I could chew and started a TON of seeds with little knowledge and experience. But, you have to start somewhere, right? I had five trays of snapdragons, a few clay pots of dahlias, bee's choice from Floret Farms (and they were the healthiest-looking flowers!), cosmos, and Persian cress. I also had my fair share of lemon balm, and that was the easiest herb to take care of. I had a lot of other varieties of seeds that I felt confident I could keep alive, but they proved me wrong down the road. I ended up losing over half of what I started.

Being a stay-at-home mom and starting a small cut flower farm has its pros and cons. There were days when I could keep Chloe distracted enough to get some seeds started, and other days I was getting tugged on with a "Mom, come play with me!" right as I was elbow-deep in seed starting. She is a great helper when it comes to flower deliveries and being my little "cheerleader".

When everything started blooming out at the plot, it was a feeling of accomplishment. I was proud that I could see Lillian throughout this whole journey, even if it wasn't as grand as I was envisioning it to be. The thing about me is that when I start something new in my life, no matter what it is, I want to be the best at it from the first try. I don't want to fail; I want to succeed. And I know that is unrealistic because we have to make mistakes and fail in order to learn something. I can lose interest really quickly if I feel like I am not good at what I am doing or if it's not exciting enough for my brain. I am definitely a visual learner and not the greatest at sitting down in a classroom to focus. There is something about forcing myself to get up and move my body every morning that helps me heal, not just physically but mentally. I know I have to walk out to my plot, water these flowers I worked hard to grow, till, pull weeds, check for bugs, etc. The list goes on and on. It is all healing, and I am not only nurturing my own family but I am also nurturing my child in spirit who still lives with my flowers. It is my way of connecting with her when I am out there cutting flowers and creating something that is also going to make someone else's day brighten up with a vibrant arrangement of zinnias or some cheery yellow sunflowers with some leggy snapdragons. The thrips have been making a meal specifically of my snapdragons!

Being hands-on and using my creativity has been the most important for me during this time. I really enjoy designing more than anything when it comes to flowers. As time passes, my longing for her grows. I would do anything to bring her back, and as a parent, I cannot explain that feeling to you unless you have experienced loss yourself. There are days I want to shout her name from everywhere I go and even on my social media. Some days I selfishly am quiet because I don't want to make others sad (thank you, brain, for making me feel that way). I know I shouldn't feel sad or guilty for wanting to speak my child's name or share stories about other parents' loss. It's just our way of grieving, and I wish others would understand. We are not talking about stillbirths or child loss to "ruin the vibes" while you scroll on Facebook. I know as a parent it is absolutely unfathomable to have that thought inside your head. None of us want to think about those thoughts, but we want to share our child's memory just as we share our living children's milestones and accomplishments.

I truly feel that death and grieving are such taboo topics and are almost "shushed" in our society, no matter who you lose in your life. We are made to feel as if we need to grieve and get over it—to move on and to continue as if your world did not completely come to a crashing halt. I feel deeply that you need to talk about them, share their stories, and talk about it. It is okay to talk as if they are still physically here because spiritually, they are always here with us in every moment. They see us working hard through our grief, and they feel our love.